Batception
by Lily Lindsey-Aubrey
Summary: Ra's Al Ghul is just fed up with Bruce Wayne. He has to think of a way to kill him off; but nothing seems to work! Will he ever succeed in ridding Gotham of its Dark Knight? Rated only for morbidity.
1. The Plan

_This was different before. I decided to completely rewrite it; it was exceedingly confusing and long-winded. Hopefully this version will be briefer and more entertaining. :) There is nothing rated in here except the overall tone of morbidity. No language, etc._

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**Chapter 1. **

'I have a problem,' said Ra's al Ghul to the Joker one day while he and his friends sat in the Villain Club smoking. 'No. I have ninety-nine problems, and they're all the Batman. All my life- well, all his life, I've been trying to kill him. Started with a hole. A nice, cozy, deep, dreadful hole for him to fall into. And he did! He fell right in, but did that kill him? Nah. It so happens that this kid is very tough. So I try again. This time I kill off his parents, thinking maybe he'll commit suicide- but does he? No! It's so frustrating! He runs off who-knows-where and becomes a vigilante! Stupid.'

'Calm down,' said Harvey Dent. 'It's not just your problem. The Joker has been trying to get him for a long time, too.'

'No, I haven't,' said the Joker. 'I simply am trying to bring him down to my level. Entirely different.'

'Well,' said Ra's, annoyed at the interruption, 'as I was saying: he turns vigilante. So I try to kill him again by messing up his stupid city, which needed getting rid of anyhow, and what happens?'

'I dunno,' said Dent densely.

'He kills me!' yelled Ra's angrily. 'He kills me! The idiot. If I hadn't been a decoy, I wouldn't be standing before you today!'

'You're not standing; you're sitting,' said the Riddler matter-of-factly.

'I diagnose you with a severe case of schizophrenia,' Dr. Crane called from across the room, where he was reading the newspaper.

'Anyhow,' said Ra's, trying to ignore the others, 'I swear I will get that Bru-'

'Stop!' shouted the Joker. 'Club rules! You're not allowed to reveal anyone's secret identity!'

'Whatever,' said Ra's. 'I swear I'll get that Batman if it's the last thing I do!'

'It almost was,' Dent sniggered. Harvey Dent was not popular at the Club, for reasons.

'I have an idea for you,' said Crane, walking over and dropping his newspaper on the table. 'You're trying to kill the Batman, but he can't be simply killed. He has to be tricked somehow, so that you can get close enough to stab him in the back. What better way than Inception?'

'What are you talking about?' asked Ra's, frowning.

'You get into someone's mind by invading his dreams, then you trick him into thinking something that isn't true.'

'Um...'

'It so happens,' Crane continued, 'that I am rather hard up at the moment. I have a proposal for you. If you decide to do this inception, I will help you out.'

'What do you know about it?' asked Ra's, trying to not get distracted by the Joker's dangerous handling of his automatic.

'It's happened to me, is all,' said Crane, sticking his hands in his pockets and trying to look nonchalant. 'It's also happened to your daughter.'

'I said no revealing secret identities!' yelled the Joker.

'I hope she was incepted into going and killing herself,' Ra's muttered. 'I can't stand that girl.'

'You mean you didn't hear?' said Dent. 'It was in the news all over the place. She went and jumped off a building.'

'And would have died, if Batman hadn't ruined everything by saving her,' said the Riddler.

'Does everyone know who we're talking about except me?' said the Joker.

'That's what comes of being obsessed with Club rules,' said the Riddler, banging him on the head.

'So, why did the Batman save her?' said Ra's, hating Batman even more than he had previously.

'Because he is an idiot who likes to catch people when they fall out of windows,' said Crane shortly. 'It was on telly. How did you not see it?'

'Oh, that part of my life was rather busy,' said Ra's, pouting. 'Mainly being used up burning houses down that belonged to random members of the Wayne fam-'

'Club rules!' screeched the Joker, covering his ears.

'I was doing more important things than anyone else, it appears,' said Ra's. 'How do you guys have time to just sit around watching telly?'

'Back to the subject from which we so swiftly diverged,' said Crane, clearing his throat. 'I will help you incept Batman into thinking whatever you want him to think. Just because he thinks something, though, does not mean he will act on it, so if it doesn't work, it's not my fault.'

'Wait, I missed something,' said Dent.

'I got incepted into selling a very profitable business,' said Crane angstily. 'It would have made me millions.'

'Yes, well, let's not drift away into the realms of fantasy,' said Ra's. 'What I want to know is how to do it.'

'I have a plan,' said Crane, sweeping everything off the table and laying out a large piece of paper. He smiled evilly. 'This is, in short, how Inception works. First: You get the right team. A team needs an inceptor, an architect, a point-man, a-'

'Get on with it!' said Ra's impatiently. 'We'll deal with that later.'

'This is too confusing for me,' said the Joker. 'I don't plan. I just do things.'

'I know, right?' said the Riddler. 'Some villains overthink everything.'

'I will be your inceptor,' said Crane, ignoring the others. 'Second: The team goes inside the subject's dream and plants the idea through an intricate process that requires lots of brainy cleverness- which will all come from me, by the way- and then, Third: The team gets out of the dream, leaving the idea in the subject's mind. If the lie is actually worth-while, it could help you completely defeat him.'

'Like the idea that I'm not actually Ra's al Ghul!' said Ra's. 'Hehee! I like this plan!'

'He already thinks that you're not Ra's al Ghul,' said Crane, rolling his eyes. 'He thinks you're dead.'

'Well, then, what do you propose?' said Ra's, frowning sulkily and crossing his arms.

Crane flashed a toothy smile. 'Let me show you.'

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_This story is driving me cray-cray. Sososo sorry that I had to redo it- I just wasn't happy with the way it was turning out._


	2. The plan continued!

_Sorry I took so long to update. Don't give up on meeee! :) _

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**Chapter 2.**

'The plan! The plan!' said Ra's impatiently. 'You take so long to get to the actual point.'

'We have to do this in utmost secrecy,' Crane protested. 'If this gets out, Batman will never believe our clever lies!'

'Ok, fine. Everyone out of the Villain Club!' said Ra's.

'You can't just make us leave!' said Dent angrily. 'It's not fair!'

'Yes it is,' said Ra's gloatingly. 'I own the place.'

'Sometimes I have a suspicion that you use your employer's money,' said the Joker, picking up his automatic and leaving. Ra's smiled knowingly.

'So, here is what I propose,' said Crane excitedly, scribbling on the paper. 'Say this is the subject's dream. We will enter this dream- so- and plant an idea- like that- and then leave. Now the idea will have to be something very clever- which I am very good at, by the way- so let me think. What could really help you in your quest to destroy the Batman?'

'I need him to keep thinking that I'm dead,' said Ra's. 'But besides that… I don't know… maybe make him not think chocolate tastes good anymore. He always eats it all before I get any.'

'This is serious!' said Crane. 'I know. Ha! Yes… this might just work...'

'Tell me,' said Ra's.

'What if we made him think that Talia is not your daughter? Maybe that would work! He wouldn't realize until too late that she is evil. Wait… my plan is forming swiftly...'

'Then why is it taking you so long to tell it to me?' said Ra's angrily.

'Ah. Now I have it. We will make the Batman think that, instead of Talia being your daughter, Eames is your son.'

'Who is Eames?' said Ra's, making a face.

'He is one of the people who is going to be on my inception team,' said Crane, his eyes glowing with the excitement of coming up with an evil plan. 'There is a limited number of people who can do this. Eames is one of them. He is continually getting into questionable things, so I'm sure I'll have no trouble getting him on board.'

'What's the point of Wayne thinking that he's my son?' said Ra's.

'If he thinks he's your son, he will never suspect Talia,' said Crane. 'What we'll do is we'll get Batman stuck in some inescapable place, knock him out, hack his dreams, plant the idea, and then- tada! There you have it.'

'I still don't get it,' said Ra's. 'It doesn't make sense!'

'Yes it does,' said Crane, rather offended. 'I'm going to go gather my team. Meanwhile, you'd better be getting lots of money from somewhere, because we're going to charge a lot.'

'Ooh, I know where I'll get lots of money,' said Ra's, rubbing his hands together gleefully. 'All I have to do is crash the stock exchange!'

'That's a good idea,' said Crane, turning around at the door. 'Hmm...'

'Plus, my other decoy will fund it most likely,' said Ra's airily. 'He just bought a profitable business from a guy named Fischer and will probably have tons of cash- what's the matter?'

'I know that man,' said Crane, frowning. 'If ever I get ahold of him!...'

'Yes, well, you'd better not, because I'll probably be paying you using money that he loans to me.'

The next day, Ra's opened the door of the mansion to four incongruous individuals. One of them was Crane.

'Hello, Ra's,' he said, stepping in and motioning towards his companions. 'Here they are. Eames, who will be going under a pseudonym, of course; Blake, who, apparently, was going under a pseudonym the last time I worked with him, making him hard to find again; and Talia, who was the only one I could find that would be an architect.'

'Ah!' yelled Ra's. 'Get her out of here! I refuse to hire relations of any sort!'

'I'm sorry, but no one else would do,' said Crane. 'I'm not getting that other girl- she's too young to be in this and I like her.'

Ra's frowned. 'That's not supposed to happen. You're a villain.'

'That is beside the point! Now, where is the Batman?'

'He's inside,' said Ra's, 'and I just put a very nice, large dose of sleeping potion in his green smoothie. He should stay zonked for a good long time.'

'Good,' said Crane, picking up his metal case and walking up the stairs. 'Come with me.'

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_And with that, the doctor gave a wicked chuckle and rubbed his hands together. "Muahahahahah!" Until next time. _


	3. Incepting

_Finally the next chapter. _

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**Chapter 3. **

'What's this?' said Ra's, poking an exploratory finger at the metal case as Crane hooked it up to the sleeping Bruce Wayne.

'It's our incepting device,' said Crane. 'Don't break it. Talia stole it from her husband when he wasn't paying attention, and he might be very angry if anything happens to it.'

'You're married?' said Ra's in surprise to his daughter.

'You didn't get the invitation?' said Talia, frowning. 'Sorry. I was sure I sent it to you...'

'Oh, I probably threw it away without looking at it,' Ra's confessed. 'I tend to throw away any mail I get with your name anywhere on it.'

'You're a horrible parent,' Talia complained. 'But it doesn't matter. I got tired of him and jumped out a window, but that idiot Batman had to ruin everything and save me-'

'That's the first time my daughter and I have ever agreed on anything,' said Ra's to Blake in an aside.

'But Dom thought I was dead, so I just went off and did other stuff for a while,' said Talia carelessly. 'He doesn't even know that I'm still alive.'

'Speaking of horrible parents,' Crane muttered under his breath. 'Is everyone ready? We need to hurry before the subject wakes up.'

'I am prepared,' said Eames.

'Woah,' said Ra's, freaking out. 'Now I'm glad you didn't talk sooner. Your voice is sooo annoying!'

'Don't insult my Bane!' said Talia angrily.

'Um, do remember that you're still married,' said her father dubiously.

'I do not go by the name Eames anymore,' said Bane. 'I must go under a pseudonym. No one must ever know that the great Eames now wears a Darth Vader mask!'

'Hurry up and hook up to this thing,' said Crane impatiently. 'We don't have much time.'

'Why am I even doing this again?' Blake wondered wearily. 'I think I'm a risk addict.'

'Ah!' screamed Ra's.

'What are you doing here?' asked Crane, excessively annoyed.

'Who, me?' asked Ra's. 'You told everyone to hook up to the box, so I did!'

'Argh!' said Crane, tearing at his hair. 'You were supposed to stay awake!'

'But I am awake!'

'You are so inexperienced in these things, dad,' said Talia, rolling her eyes. 'You're in Batman's dream.'

'Batman dreams about creepy things,' said Ra's, his eyes wide.

'Now, how are we supposed to do this again?' asked Bane. Ra's cringed.

'Can you take that thing off? It's horrible sounding!' he moaned.

'We have to make Batman think that you are Ra's al Ghul's son,' said Crane. 'You need to turn into Ra's- the decoy Ra's- and quote the thing I had you memorize so that he will assume that you are your son. I mean-'

'This is too confusing!' said Bane, shaking his fists.

'That'll never work,' said Ra's. 'My decoy didn't have a creepy Vader voice.'

'He can fake voices, too,' said Crane long-sufferingly.

'Then why doesn't he all the time?' asked Ra's.

'I can't remember the thing you had me memorize!' said Bane.

'Aaah! Am I the only one who can do anything right? I brought it with me, thank goodness. You'll have to read it out. And don't get confused! And make sure the fake you doesn't show that you're holding the paper!'

'Alright, alright! Where exactly is Batman?'

'I don't know, I guess we need to find him. Talia, you designed this place; which way do we go?'

'I designed it just like Wayne Manor,' said Talia snootily. 'He'll probably be in his study or something.'

'Where is that?' asked Crane.

'Follow me,' said Ra's cleverly. 'I know exactly where to go.'

_A few minutes later… _

'Everyone else will wait here while Bane takes care of this,' Crane whispered outside the study door. 'Then we'll all exit as fast as we can.'

'Am I supposed to be doing something?' Blake wondered.

'Mr. Wayne,' said Bane, turning into the decoy Ra's al Ghul and walking boldly into the room.

'You're not faking the voice!' hissed Ra's impatiently.

'I mean, Mr. Wayne,' Bane corrected himself quickly in the right voice. 'Did you know that I have a son?'

'You have a son?' asked Bruce, looking up from his newspaper and rubbing his eyes. 'Wait a minute, I watched you die!'

'You're dreaming,' said Bane. 'I'm actually dead, I swear!'

'No!' hissed Crane. 'You're not supposed to tell him he's dreaming!'

'Too late,' said Bane, reverting to his old voice. 'Oops!'

'The manor is falling apart!' yelled Ra's. 'Help! Someone wake me up!'

'Shush, Wayne will hear you and discover your plan!' said Crane.

'Aren't we supposed to go in several levels of dreams in order to do inception?' asked Blake.

'Um…' said Crane.

'Wait, you said you'd done this before!' said Ra's.

'Well, no, I didn't,' said Crane uncomfortably. 'I just had it done to me...'

'So really you have no idea how to do it,' said Ra's angrily. 'You tricked me!'

'It will still work!' said Crane. 'Wayne is gullible!'

'He'd better be, or I'll have your head!' Ra's screeched.

'Woah,' said Ra's, jerking awake. 'Ouch! I think a brick fell on my head.'

'It's all Bane's stupid fault,' said Crane, pointing his finger at the offending individual. 'He ruined everything!'

'Bruce is going to wake up!' said Talia, jumping up and disentangling herself from the wires.

'Don't be stupid. He's drugged. He'll probably be stuck in Limbo for several years,' said Blake. 'I don't know why I had to do this. I didn't do anything in there.'

'Well, you were in it when they incepted me, so...' said Crane, fumbling with his watch.

'You are so fired!' said Ra's angrily. 'You don't even know what you're doing!'

'But I did it all the same,' said Crane, 'so you have to pay me.'

Ra's threw a check down on the table and stomped out. 'Leave no evidence in here, or I will kill you!'

He could only hope that the plan had worked.

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_See you soon! _


	4. Success?

_Wait for it... wait for it..._

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**Chapter 4. **

Ra's al Ghul must have been an extremely lucky man; that, or Bruce Wayne was just extremely gullible. Through means of his own, Ra's watched the Batman and saw that he had no suspicions of Talia being Ra's al Ghul's daughter. What is more, he heard (also through his own means) that Bruce had continuing dreams about the decoy Ra's hinting at Bane being his son. It seemed that the inception had been successful.

Ra's, thinking over his plan back in the Villain Club, rubbed his hands together gleefully.

'Now, at last, everything is working out,' he said to the Joker. 'I have enlisted Bane in my employ, and he is wreaking havoc in Gotham, just like he promised. Miranda Ta-'

'Lalalala, I'm not listening,' said the Joker, plugging his ears.

'OK FINE, MY DAUGHTER THEN,' said Ra's above the Joker's yelling. 'My daughter is working for me too, although I hate her in every way; and she is making good progress in making Batman think she's innocent.'

'So what happens now?' asked Dent. 'Why can't you just set off the bomb and watch everything burn?'

'Doofus,' said Ra's, banging him on the head. 'I wouldn't be able to watch it burn because I'm _IN _Gotham! My plan is to trick the Batman into blowing himself up. That would be totally awesome.'

'Ahahaha,' the Joker agreed. 'Although I still want him to hit me.'

'And what's more,' Ra's gloated, 'Bane is videotaping everything that happens to Bru- Batman in that hole, so I can watch him suffer!'

'What if he doesn't get out in time?' asked Crane. 'Will you blow up Gotham anyway?'

'He'll get out in time,' said Ra's, leaning back in his chair. 'I have faith in the Batman. But it's so much fun to see him in pain! You know, I wrote this letter and pretended it was from Rachel telling him that she didn't love him and loved Dent instead, then arranged for him to find out about it… the look on his face! Ehehehe! Priceless!'

'I like that,' said the Joker.

'So, if you got the help of Tal- I mean, your daughter and Bane, then where did Blake go?' asked Crane.

'Ran off to help distract the Batman from my true purpose,' said Ra's, snickering. 'I have so many friends. Couldn't do it without them.'

_Stayin alive_

_Stayin alive_

'Oh, that's ma phone,' said Ra's, pulling it out and flipping it open. 'Hello?'

'_I heard news that the Batman just exited the hole,' _said Bane's voice on the other end. '_Everything is going according to plan.' _

'Perfect,' said Ra's and hung up. 'My friends,' he announced, 'in a few days you may hear the distant explosion of a bomb over the bay. When you do, it's the Batman.'

_Epilogue_

Ra's al Ghul waltzed down the street. Never had he been happier. At last the Batman, that Bruce Wayne was dead, and he was free of him forever.

He took a seat at an empty table at the cafe and smiled pleasantly at the waitress. 'I'll have my usual,' he said.

Ah, the familiar fragrance of the flowers and food. He always looked forward to this. Florence was a lovely place. And now he could come as often as he wanted, with all the money left from the Wayne estate. He sighed contentedly. No more Bruce Wayne to haunt him any longer.

Suddenly, something caught his eye. What was this? It wasn't possible! Ra's gasped in astonishment. It couldn't be real.

There sat Bruce Wayne at a nearby table, sipping champagne and nodding to him as if he hadn't even ever been the Batman.

Ra's eyes widened in shock. It couldn't be true! He had tried so hard! He could not believe that his whole life's work had actually not worked at all!

Ra's hurriedly pushed his chair back and left the cafe. He couldn't handle this. He was about ready to cry. All that work for nothing.

'Methinks I will commit suicide,' he said, and jumped into a nearby river.

**The End**

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_PLOT TWIST! AHAHA! I bet you didn't see that coming. Who would have thought that Ra's was actually Alfred all along?  
I'm really sorry this took me so long to update. I really, seriously thought I had already published the last chapter. Really I did. D: _

_I hope you all enjoyed it and will stick around to read some of my other stories! _


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